February is the Coldest Month

Five years is a long time in today's world. Stay at the same workplace for that long and you join the gratuity club. Every five years the Indian democracy presents all of us with a chance to change our world. But five years is not a long enough time to heal you. Personal loss takes a long time to heal they say. I can tell you that they are right. 

Every February as the sun makes its journey up north, it begins to warm up everywhere. The faint signs of spring - the occasional tree in bloom signal promising times after a cold winter. As the days turn longer and the nights shorter, I feel myself drawn to the chilly evening of 2018. The breeze was cold as I rushed to the hospital. The air was crisp and fresh as it is often during the bewitching hour of midnight. The gurney was ice cold, and his face was getting cooler. The light had gone out of our lives. 

Death severs all bonds or maybe it doesn't. But the time spent together when alive is far more precious than you think. It is perhaps the fifth noble truth for us mere mortals - the time you have with each other is finite, make the most of it. Leaving things for tomorrow is foolhardy. Memories fade and the aching pain turns into a dull thump, which you get used to eventually, but regret lives on. 

I could have, would have, should have -- but didn't. The list of such things is long. And the cold nights of February bring back a deluge of such lists. My heart freezes over and it stays that way. Smiles, hugs, and kind words are welcome but they can't substitute what once was and what could be. 

And that's when you seek solace in the misery of your own mind.  

Perhaps the cold will lift, not today, perhaps someday.